POETICKS

Many times in the past, I’ve spoken of the pain pills I’ve taken, or the Mountain Dew I’ve drunk, often noting how one of the other, or both, have helped me out of the Null Zone.  For at least four weeks I almost entirely avoided either.  Once or twice taking a four-hour pain pill before trying to play tennis on my painfully bad left leg.  I think in that time I was never fully out of the null zone, and probably half the time close to fully in it.

Well, I finally decided that I’m a hopeless addict.  Proof is that I took two APCs, which have caffeine, a bit over two hours ago, then a pain pill with an opium-derivative in it a half-hour or so ago, and have done better work since the APCs on the important essay I’ve been slogging through for over a month than I have since beginning it.  And I feel like I can do a full day’s work on it.  Maybe more!

Once back home after the hip replacement operation I’ll be having (in a week), I plan to find some expert on my kind of drug addiction, and find out if I can somehow stay out of the null zone (a reasonable amount of the time) without drugs.  If not, no big deal so long as I can keep having them prescribed for me, and I’m pretty sure I can.  If it costs me a few years of life, so what?  To continue to live as I’ve been living the past month of so would be ridiculous.  In any case, it looks like I’ll have my essay done before I go into the hospital.

I’m feeling very good about it (and was even while in the null zone).  It’s really coming together nicely.  As usual when I’m knocking out material I have a good opinion of, I sing my way into fantasies of finally gaining recognition.  One thing for sure, this time I’m going to keep on the attack with this essay until it is, or I am, done.

Meanwhile, what have I learned from my life that I can pass on to others?  Nothing.  I truly don’t know whether to advise the young to avoid caffeine and pain pills, or to consider them seriously if their energy levels are not as high as they feel they need to be for a satisfying life.  Maybe some people are born with a need for pharmaceutical help, or with a flawed endocrine system that will eventually require it as I eventually required synthroid for my thyroid deficiency.  Or was that caused by a use of caffeine that caused my thyroid to overwork and wear out?  All I can say is that I hope genetic research will finally tell people enough about what they’ve been born with for them to make intelligent decisions about questions like these.  If their genes have given them the capacity to make intelligent decisions.  I don’t think mine did, I don’t think mine would have allowed me to choose suicide at the age of 15 or 24, the two ages at which it would have been best for me to do that.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 24th, 2011 at 1:00 AM and is filed under Autobiographica, Pill-Popping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.